I

    I gave birth to myself 15 years ago. I have raised myself since i was a baby. I keep telling myself that there are some things I need to explain to me; I keep telling myself that it's time i start becoming a man. I often think that I don't understand myself very well.

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    i'm sitting on the couch when I come in the room and sit next to me.

    "Anything good happen today?" I ask.

    "Does it ever?" i reply. I sit next to myself for a couple minutes in silence before I grab the remote and turn off the television. i hate when I do that.

    "I need to tell myself something." I finally say after an uncomfortable silence.

    "I keep saying that but I never actually say it." i get really frustrated because this keeps happening; i don't know what is so difficult to say that I keep starting to say it but never finish.

    "It's.. It's just..." I pause and look at myself to gauge my mood. "Difficult to explain, alright?"

    "i think i know what I'm trying to say, others at school have been talking about it." i say, trying to alleviate My obvious anxiety.

    "WHAT?!" I exclaim. "No one is supposed to talk about their connection to any other!"

    "Don't freak out, they didn't say much... just that i and Me are somehow the same." i don't know why this made Me so upset.

    "Well.. yeah. It's kind of like that. It's just, they weren't supposed to be the ones to tell me; I was."

    "i didn't know. i just got tired of Me almost talking about it and then stopping before really explaining it. It's really frustrating."

    "I'm sorry... I was just never told and had to find out about the connection by Myself. I promised Myself that I would never do that to me so that i wouldn't have to go through the pain of wondering why I wasn't told. But when I tried to tell me, I didn't know how because no one ever explained it to Me." I stare at myself for a couple seconds so that I understand how i'm feeling. "I am me. That might be hard to fully understand... I gave birth to me with my body and mind. Now I am in both places, both bodies, both minds. The older I am, the less I am in one and the more I am in the other. i will only be whole when I die and i will only be alone long enough to have a fair amount of experiences that would be beneficial to me before i give birth to Myself again."

    i looked dumbfounded.

    "I know, it's very hard to understand. I'm trying to make it easier for me now than it was for Me when I found out. I had so many more questions, especially why I wasn't around to tell Me. Did that mean that I was a First? There hasn't been a First in hundreds of years and I most definitely don't feel wise enough to be a First. Was I abandoned? Was I too afraid to take care of Myself so I just left Myself to die or struggle My whole life? It was extremely difficult and emotional for Me, but I pulled through and I'm stronger today because of it. I think that might be the reason I did it, actually."

    i sat there looking shocked and speechless. "Wh.. but how?.. That doesn't make any sense. How can i be the same as Me? We're entirely different. i don't feel connected to Me at all."

    "i don't feel connected to Me at all?" I asked, feeling devastated.

    "Well, not really. At least i don't think so." i tried to wrap the idea around my head for a minute. "But why? Why do We give birth to Ourselves? Why do We raise Ourselves? Why are We never complete until we're dead? It doesn't make any sense!"

    "That's just the way it is. That's the way it's always been. If We didn't take care for Ourselves, then there would be no way We could survive, no way for Us to learn what it means to love and be loved, to nourish and be nourished. There is no other way."

    "Why can't We just be alone?" i asked. "Why can't We just be constantly learning and experiencing and benefiting ourselves?"

    "What good would that do Us? If We were the only one who benefited from our knowledge, our mistakes, our experiences, our love, our loss, our pain, our EVERYTHING, then all of that would die with Us. This way We can pass all of those along to Ourselves when We die. This way We continually benefit from our experiences."
  
    "But..." i was getting increasingly frustrated. "What if i don't want to make another Me? What if i want to be the only me and just be by myself?"

    "i can't do that. If i did, then I would die too and i would never live again. It's unspeakable to even think about that." I knew that i wouldn't like hearing this but it had to be said.

    "Rrrch! This is ridiculous! So i don't have a choice? i just have to continue the cycle, i don't get to choose when or whether or not I'm made again?! What if i want to be complete for longer? What if i'm not ready?!" i screamed.

    "No one is ever ready. And everything i'm feeling is completely normal." I reassured. "One day i will realize the importance of this connection and cycle. One day it will all make sense and i will start to feel ready. It just takes time."

    "One day, one day, ONE DAY! Not TOday! Not ANYDAY! It's all just too much, it's way too much!" i got up and started running up the stairs.

    "I'm not asking myself to be ready today!" I yelled to myself as i ran up the stairs. "I wanted to explain all this to myself before someone else had the chance! I... ughhhh." I sighed. I knew this wouldn't be easy. It's something that everyone has to learn eventually, one way or the other. I guess there are some things i just don't want to understand yet.

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